Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize