Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
