Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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