plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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