my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize