that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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