don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
