I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
