I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
