dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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