even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
