I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
