I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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