Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
