I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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