At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
