Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
