She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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