was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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