I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
