My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
