when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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