I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
