like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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