you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
