I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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