I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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