I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
