Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
