I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
