it wasn't lemon gatorade
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
