I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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