I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
