a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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