I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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