i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
