Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
