She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
