after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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