I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
