if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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