I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
