I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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