My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
