u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
