everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
