He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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