I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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