my mouth tastes like poor choices
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
