I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize