moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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