I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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