You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
