There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
