accomplished twins. life is a go
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
