I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
