Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
